Whether it’s a colleague who continuously oversteps their bounds or a boss who disagrees on how tasks should be performed, even a company with a great culture will experience internal conflicts from time to time. According to 2023 research from the management software platform ZipDo, 85% of employees experience conflict in the workplace, resulting in an annual cost to businesses of $359 billion.
While unresolved disputes and discord can significantly impact an organization’s financial success and stability, conflict is important, says Lisa Danels, author of The Human Edge Advantage: Mastering the Art of Being All In. “Conflict is the friction needed in relationships and organizations to move things forward,” she says. “Without conflict, we can quickly stagnate and get stuck in our worldviews or approaches.”
The key is to not let it go unchecked, says Jennifer Barnes, CEO of Optima Office, an accounting and HR services outsourcing firm. “Things tend to build up and somebody might just blow up over time,” she says. “The more that you address an issue in real time, the faster you can come to a resolution.”
Embracing conflict requires reframing it in your mind, focusing on the positive outcomes that can happen when you lean in instead of ducking out. Here’s how to approach a difficult situation:
Prepare for the Conversation
Often the hardest step is initiating the conversation. Instead of focusing only on what led up to the conflict, take a step back. Danels suggests asking yourself these five questions, which will help you process your own emotions first: What do I need in this situation? What is really bothering me about the conflict? What do I fear losing? How are my values being honored or trampled upon? How would I like this conflict to be resolved?
Next, attempt to see the conflict from the other person’s point of view before engaging with them, shifting your perspective, and finding a place of compassion. Danels suggests asking yourself, “What needs does this person have that I might have overlooked? How do they feel about the situation? What might they be afraid of losing? How do they view the situation differently? What assumptions do they have about the situation?”
Check Your Mindset
Always assume positive intent. “As soon as you start assuming negative intent and that someone did something on purpose, the problem gets worse,” Barnes of Optima Office says. “If you can assume positive intent, then you can assume the person didn’t mean to do this or it was a misunderstanding. Talking it through can put everyone on the same page.”
In addition to an open mind, have an open heart, Danels advises. “It requires us to be vulnerable and state that the conflict is making us uncomfortable or uneasy but [that] there is a deep desire to resolve it,” she says. “This automatically creates an open space to explore the situation.”
Being open means being vulnerable, Danels adds, noting, “We must be curious and willing to hear what the other person says—even if it means we might feel criticized, attacked, or learn we’ve hurt another person unintentionally.”
Start the Conversation
Just because you can embrace conflict doesn’t mean the other person will. If someone is resistant, it’s important to be firm. “Say, ‘I know this might not be a comfortable conversation, but it’s one we need to have,’” Barnes suggests.
Instead of pointing the finger, assuming, or jumping to conclusions and putting the other person on the defensive, ask questions that get to the “why” of the situation. For example, instead of saying, “Why did you do this?” you might say, “Can you help me understand what your thought process was? What do you think we could do better as a leadership team?”
Barnes observes that “it’s a matter of framing it differently and putting people who might not like confrontation in a position where they have to have a little bit of confrontation.”
As the other person opens up, hear what they have to say, Danels advises. “Listen beyond the words and see how the person feels. Make sure you play back what the person has expressed by sharing the other person’s experience and the associated feelings.”
Then, express your own needs and feelings. “If we feel our values have been trampled on, we must express them here,” says Danels. “Once there is a clear understanding of why the conflict emerged, and both people feel heard, we can move to find solutions.”
Find a Resolution
To bring closure to conflict, both sides need to agree on a solution. Sometimes this can simply mean listening to the other person’s emotions. Other times, you’ll need to share ideas on how to move forward, checking in with each other to see if the actions or behaviors feel satisfactory.
Finding compromise and common ground will help you avoid future conflicts because you’ll better understand each other’s needs. It also creates a more collaborative, caring, and accountable culture.
“[Resolving conflict] builds camaraderie and helps gain trust and respect for one another,” Barnes says. “When you know someone is going to be honest with you and you can’t always agree, you start to get better at appreciating another point of view and alternative thought process.”
Ultimately, Danels says, embracing conflict deepens relationships and opens the door for personal growth and new possibilities. “Resolving conflict will never be easy, but we can learn the skills to help us become more comfortable with it,” she says. “If we really want to master conflict, it requires us to master ourselves first and be able to understand how we show up when conflict arises.”
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