Truth in Job Descriptions




  • — December 26, 2018

    Most job descriptions suck. But even the ones that don’t suck, rarely tell the truth. This is a post I contributed earlier this year to The Cooper Review.

    We’re Hiring!

    Are you an Awesome Marketing Manager?

    Here at Angst Co., you matter. Whether it’s your journey, your career trajectory or your passion, we try to look like we care about all of it.

    Innovation is in our DNA. Well, it’s in our CEO’s DNA since we just chase around his latest random idea.

    We Are Soooo Into Corporate Culture & Engagement

    We’re big into community involvement. Once a year, we’ll give you and your colleagues matching t-shirts so you can replant the same tree you did last year. We’ll even take a fun picture of you high-fiving your group for our corporate culture blog.

    Truth in Job Descriptions

    As a member of the marketing team, you’ll have a front row seat to the five-year corporate transformation initiative, with occasional glimpses of the dysfunction that got us to this never ending cesspool of indecision. With the help of your manager, the marketing leadership team and a great deal of codeine, you’ll be managing multiple projects, and contributing to broader cross-functional initiatives that will likely come to nothing, but will look fantastic on your LinkedIn profile.

    Key responsibilities

    • You’ll work on cutting edge digital campaigns, many involving our CFO’s favourite breed of small, angry dog
    • Create and stare at complex spreadsheets, with advanced conditional formatting rules that create the illusion you’re making progress. Once a month, you will cut and paste your entire spreadsheet into a single PowerPoint slide for the VP of Marketing to use to justify her massive overspend
    • Working in small, airless, rooms you’ll get to repurpose last year’s promotions and price lists, with enough stock photography to make them look fresh and innovative
    • Create a quarterly review that demonstrates how seldom your colleagues in sales follow up on the leads that do happen to penetrate our medieval web form
    • Champion our brand at industry trade shows by handing out stale popcorn in exchange for a chance to win a suitcase with wheels
    • Hide under your desk when the HR director comes looking for help with the holiday party
    • Ensure at least 75% of your time is spent in meetings. It’s not important which meetings, as long as you are seen to be in a room with other people and a plate of sad chicken wraps.

    Qualifications

    • Naturally we want you to have an MBA, so there’s plenty of debt holding you in a job that makes your soul hurt; a PhD is even better.
    • Minimum 12 years’ experience in basically the exact same job so we don’t have to train you; six months will do just fine – this isn’t rocket science
    • Five years of industry experience is an asset — not that our industry is any different from any other, but we’re hoping you have some juicy gossip and enough of a grudge to share your former gig’s marketing plan for next year
    • Experience writing detailed creative briefs so our agencies can rewrite them and present them back to your boss as their ideas
    • Ability to supervise random suppliers because they are your boss’ boss’ friends
    • Track record of showing up at all the marketing awards dinners with a spare bottle just in case
    • Attention to detail and a commitment to excellence are lovely attributes and will earn you a handsome coffee mug
    • Strong communication skills are a must, so you can produce 70-slide budget decks like a boss
    • An ability to play Candy Crush on your phone while pretending to update the Twitter feed is a considerable advantage
    • We value diversity and inclusion, just try not to be different or weird

    Are you ready to make a difference? But not really?

    Email your resume to us and we’ll try to get back to you before the next re-org, at which point this position will no longer exist.

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    Author: Elizabeth Williams

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