There’s a lot of great information out there about how to engage your audience. I’m sure you’ve read all the guides on how to avoid common blogging mistakes, but those guides have one big problem in common: they all assume that you want to avoid those blogging mistakes. All these experts think you and everyone else out there just wants to engage your audience, but I know better. I know that you would much rather alienate the heck out of your audience than engage them with your writing, which is why I’ve compiled a list of the 10 best ways to do just that.
1. Be a know-it-all.
You’re not writing about your topic because you’re a novice in the field; you’re writing because you’re knowledgeable about your subject, and as such, you have every right to tell your audience everything they need to know. They might not know they need to know, but you know they need to know, you know? Some may say that this type of alienation is bad, but I say there’s no better way to engage your audience than to cram information they don’t understand (or care about) down their throats.
2. Be better than casual English.
And by that I mean be as formal in tone as you can possibly be. They say that using the wrong tone is one of the most common blogging mistakes out there, but I say that “wrong tone” is subjective. Ideally, you should use a document that’s at least 100 years old for your tone guidelines. People will love it. You’ll sound super smart and definitely not like you think you’re better than everyone else—including, you know, your readers, who will totally love feeling left out of the language loop.
3. Don’t distract them with pictures.
Why on earth would anyone want to look at images when they have all your wonderful, exceedingly thorough, and painfully pompous—um, I mean, formal—prose to get through? Sure, there may be tons of evidence out there about how much images can do to help you engage your audience. But that’s not what you’re going for; you’re going for complete and total alienation. With no images for your readers to look at, you’ll be well on your way to achieving that goal.
4. Talk about yourself. Really, who cares about anyone else anyway?
This is your blog. This means that it is totally acceptable to make it about you and only you. I mean, why would anyone even be bothering to read something you have written if they weren’t interested in hearing about every single occurrence of your everyday life? Being a complete narcissist is absolutely the best way to engage your audience, especially if you’re the only member.
5. Put other people down.
I think we’ve already established that when it comes to blogging, you clearly know better than your readers. And you know who else you probably know better than? Everyone else. You obviously don’t conform to common wisdom regarding blogging mistakes, and because you’re not all that interested in learning how to engage your audience, I think it’s fair to say that you can totally get away with being a big virtual bully.
6. Ignore your followers.
One way to engage your audience is to keep the lines of communication open. Allow commenting on your blog, and be sure to respond to all constructive feedback—both positive and negative—and suggestions. You can also pay attention to what people are saying about you on social media and respond accordingly. That is, those are the rules if you want to engage your audience. Because your blog aims to alienate your audience, you want to be sure to ignore any and all feedback. Ain’t nobody got time for responding to feedback anyway.
7. Share your broad spectrum of knowledge.
If you want to engage your audience, you might consider focusing on one very specific topic for each blog post. However, seeing as you’re looking to alienate your blog audience, I suggest a different route: tell your readers everything you know about anything related to your topic. Then tell them everything you know that’s even vaguely related to your topic. Heck, just tell them everything you know about everything.
8. Rely on keywords like you rely on oxygen.
There’s nothing that can alienate a reader quicker than a post that’s jam-packed with keywords. As you’re not looking to engage your audience, be sure to use keywords more liberally than McDonald’s uses salt. While your readers are washing down your blog post with a large Coke, you can take the time to watch your SEO not improve at all, thanks to Google’s latest algorithm updates. Better to have no winners than for everyone to be a winner. Am I right?
9. Write for everyone.
You don’t want to discriminate in your quest for alienation; you want to alienate everyone equally. That’s why you should write your blog posts on the principle that everyone and their grandma is going to be interested in reading them. Be formal for the stuffier folk, write more casually for the younger readers, and throw in lots of references that only your hipster fan base will understand. Before you know it, you’ll have quickly and easily alienated most of your readers!
10. Don’t proofread.
A well-written, thoroughly proofread post is one of those blogging mistakes that you can’t afford to make when you’re trying to alienate your audience. Don’t waste your time by hiring an editor or proofreader for your work. Just write, publish, and watch as your readers all run away in displeasure. It feels good to be alone, doesn’t it?
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